So, its been like 112 years since I've blogged, but thats ok I'm unique... except for lots of people neglect their blogs so I just dont know. yeah, I really just DONT KNOW! right now Im in this place in my life where I dont know what to do, or what I want, or where to go, or what to eat, or what to wear, or... well you get the idea. I'm just stuck, which, to me, isnt a great feeling. I know that I'll move past this, but for now I just dont know. I look at other people and I see people who know exactly what they want and how theyre going go get it, and I look at other people and they know exactly what they want, but dont know how to go about getting it, and I see people who dont know what they want but are fine the way they are, and I see people who dont even care about anything but what they are doing at the time, but there's no category for me: "I kindof know what I think would be fun, but Im tired of sitting in limbo so Im gonna go to college and hope it fixes all my problems/ I really just dont know!!"
I didnt really know how much I didnt know (thats a fun sentance) what I was doing with my life until my last trip down to St. George. I love going down to St. George because thats where my life is, that is, so far, where I've been happiest and I have missed it so much since I moved back to Salt lake. Anyway, I spent some time catching up with friends and just having an awesome weekend, but I realized that whenever someone would ask my what I was up to, I didnt like my response... "oh, I'm taking a year off of school to save up for college and I'm working 3 jobs" *shutter* every time I would say that I would just think to myself how pathetic I am. I was surrounded by all these people who were doing things with their lives and then there was me... So obviously being the determined cancer I am, as soon as I returned from St. George I knew something had to change, first of all, I needed to figure out when I was going back for a visit (I need something to look forward to). second, I dont know what I want to do with my life, but I might as well be happy while I'm figuring it out, so, I decided "why not start off at Dixie?" All my friends are there, I love St. George, they have a good theatre program (I'm gonna start off there, since, I just love technical theatre..) nice weather, I can transfer my job there, and I'll be happy :). and third of all, I realized I really need to get my ass in gear and save up so that I can move to St. George!
There's no way I can ever know that this is the right path for me in the long run, but I do know that I will be happier and I will learn by doing. All I know is that I DONT KNOW and that's ok for now because I'm gonna travel down this path of life and I'm gonna see where it takes me! I've got my whole life ahead of me and I dont want to spend it worrying or being alone and unhappy! If anything this year off/ away has taught me hardwork, and that a life lived in worry is no life for me I want to live in the moment! my favorite quote from the musical Rent is "NO DAY BUT TODAY" and I want to strive to live like that because life is short and you gotta have fun! Its ok to be a kid! It's ok to want to be with your friends! I'm not saying you dont have to be responsible but you can be responsible under your own terms, and thats what I'm basing my decisions on and if people judge me then let them judge me, I'm doing whats best for me and thats how it should be.
